I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
