Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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