My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
