K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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