Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
