don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
