im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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