I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
