Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
