I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
