It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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