saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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