somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
