You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Ketchup is God's man juice
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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