Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
