He disabled his match.com account in front of me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
