Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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