He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
