When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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