guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
