Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
