it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
