I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
