Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
