You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
