this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
