I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
