Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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