Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
