I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
