i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
