well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
