I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
