Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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