I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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