fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
