Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
