Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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