He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
