i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
