im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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