i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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