i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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