I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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