I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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