Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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