can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
