Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize