great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
