Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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