I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
