Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
