I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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