I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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