You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize