I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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