the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
PANTIES FOUND
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
