you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
