the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
