i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
