I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
