meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
