There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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