Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
