No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
