I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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